Labelling a state of being

Labelling, so limiting and steeped in the danger of breeding that notion of othering, of pigeon-holing and creating an expectation. These are just some of the reasons I do not label my frequent dark spells as depression-though they bear all the hallmarks.

I find myself trying to link my feelings of such sadness with my hormones or stress or grief-but the truth is; I cannot attribute causes any more than I can control them.  To attribute suggests those causes, those triggers could be avoided-this may be so but 25 years on from my first experience of these bouts I can see it’s not that simple.

I am functioning and ironically I am happy for much of the time. This can make it harder to be understood I think-the ability to wear a mask and get through a day unscathed is met with quizzical looks when I talk of my moods-of my days praying for quiet and dark and no interactions.

When I shut down at the end of a day and can loose my self-imposed ties I feel the tension subside. A tension that has been in place all day, from the moment I’ve woken to the moment I’ve stopped having to “be”. And here’s the sad truth; I’m really not keen on me at all, I don’t like me very much. It’s fair to say I like me more than I used to and I do finally believe there are those who love and need me so I try to take care of me.

But the dark times are draining and the dislike for myself surfaces and the bad thoughts flow and the cycle starts again. I wish I’d not learnt to think in this way, I wish I could unlearn it. The best I can manage right now is to keep the feelings and thoughts from view, to hope the little sponge in my home doesn’t learn to think this way too. I just keep trying to see myself differently. It’s all I can do.

Self loathing is a tiring experience. It takes energy and is insidious, chipping at an already fragile confidence. I know I have been worse and I don’t know if I will be better but I do know I’m not alone, it doesn’t change anything, but it does help to know there will be people who on some level can relate. We can’t fix each other-but to be understood, to be heard and believed because the feelings are recognized,  it does mean something. It doesn’t fix but it helps to mend.

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2 Responses to Labelling a state of being

  1. PlanetCunt says:

    I can relate to this very strongly. I have days when I can’t bear myself, no matter what my partner tells me. No matter what I’ve achieved, how successful I am, none of it matters when the feelings descend.
    I’m in the middle of a process right now and, for me, it’s very strongly linked to emotional abuse. But even so, I can’t fight it and the effort involved in ‘being Cath’ for other people is sometimes too hard to maintain.
    Thank you for sharing this. It’s somehow lifted me to know that it’s not unique to me and that someone else can acknowledge and speak about it.

    • bloggingdame says:

      Thank you too-it’s such a strange thing because the writing of it feels very self indulgent too-like I shouldn’t be allowed to feel better for sharing. I don’t know-it’s such a tangled set of feelings. But I’m so glad to hear it helps at least a little. Hearing this kind of feedback helps me too x

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