Guest Post; Domestic Abuse And Guilt.

A heartfelt guest post from the lovely and kind “daftmamma” – you can find her on Twitter as @Angeline1611

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I wish my Dad had died 5 years ago… Shocking? hard to hear ? Well its the truth. Let me explain why though as there is a lot to say about why I would wish this on any human being let alone my own flesh and blood.

5 years ago when I was pregnant with Thunderpants, I got the dreaded call… the one we all know will come but will never be prepared for no matter what, and when it comes completely out of the blue its even harder especially when there is no warning, no illness or contributing factors. The call that I got was that My Dad had fallen, sustained a concussion and then went to sleep as he wasn’t aware that he had one and just thought it was a bump on the head. No one goes out walking a dog one day and then the next be in a partial coma with bleeding on the brain and later sustain a head injury so severe that it affects your speech and language and makes you change your life completely.

For a man who worked since he was knee high to a grasshopper, to a man who could no longer work or drive (which where I come from , you need a car), and driving actually being the job that he did, who wasn’t able to communicate effectively and had people trying to finish his sentences for him which aggravated him even more.. life was depressing. A man who used to get up at the crack of dawn, now sleeps until 11am or later. a man who used to read the paper but very rarely watched TV, but now had no concentration to even be in social situations as it was too much. A man who now became obsessed with money, who was also diagnosed with dementia due to the “accident”.. a man who used to fix things and had a work shop in his basement but never goes down there anymore. A changed man.

This man or stranger, has also stopped taking his medication. This man who was also at one time an alcoholic but stopped drinking after the accident and this man who used to who beat up his wife throughout their marriage… hadn’t touched his wife in 5 years. However he was mean to his wife still verbally.  He was still being abusive in this verbal way.

This time, whilst pregnant with my second child and more or less at the same stage , I got another call to say that he had stopped taking his meds and that he had punched his wife… when she said that she would call the police he said that she would be dead before the police got there… This daughter who despite finding out about the domestic abuse when quite young, although did not witness it, still loved her Dad in a way but feels guilt but now can’t speak to him and wishes that he was dead. My mother is not an easy person to live with, she is difficult, mumbles under her breath, is embarrassing to be out with for her attitude and fights with me constantly despite being 3000 or so miles away, who told me I wasn’t wanted and that she tried to abort me when pregnant but said when the cord was wrapped round my neck when giving birth, she begged for them to save me. This woman is still my mother and has had a lot of shit to deal with over the years, this woman does not deserve to be abused in a any way.

So what do I do?

I call a sister who is living in the country and not too far away. Now I don’t really get on very well with my sisters at all. I am jealous of relationships that they have with my mother as well as with each other but the difference is I FEEL. They bury their feelings and don’t talk about things where as my feelings are written all over my face. The sister in question has done a lot and put up with a lot and I praise her as I know what my parents are like, their constant bickering , put downs to one another and the behavior has only worsened since the accident. She makes sure that forms are signed, bills are paid, etc etc but she doesn’t understand domestic abuse. I didn’t realise until I called with my fears about my Dad. She has 2 kids and travels nearly 2 hrs to get to them and also works, I get that and I appreciate it … she would do a round trip of 6 hrs approx when He was still in hospital. I get it.

However, when I spoke of my fears she said that she doesn’t want to go down the route of getting the police involved or as I suggested getting him sectioned because its all due to not taking his meds. I explained that we all knew he used to hit mum and that although he hasn’t hit her in 5 years, he is violent and something needs done. She doesn’t understand and if something was to happen, could she forgive herself? Really? She said “I don’t know why she went back to him after they split, she knew what he was like and she isnt helping things with the way she is”. At this point I gave up. This is why she doesn’t understand domestic violence. You dont blame a woman for being hit.. she may not have meant to put blame on my mum but with a statement like that, she has.

He is also very paranoid, has fallen out with me and I have to be careful when I call now as he isn’t sleeping as late because he is too hyper, he has hidden her computer so we can’t skype and I don’t want to do anything to put my mum in danger. I called women’s aid and found that the laws back home are totally differen’t from here which really doesn’t help. If anyone is reading this, you are probably wondering “why aren’t you calling the police”? I can’t, it has to be the decision of my mother She has already had power taken from her, I am not about to do the same. All I can do is be here, talk to her and hope that no harm comes her way. She was speaking to the doctor who said that they can assess him but only if he agrees and they can’t make him take his medication. Despite disclosing the abuse, they can’t help. where the fuck is the duty of care?

So this is where things stand,powerless to do anything… can’t even go home AGAIN, due to the stage pf pregnancy.

Thanks for reading and for letting me get some thoughts out of my head.

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